a guide for boys (ages 6+)

by Samuel Rafael Barber

DON’T EAVESDROP (PARABLE)
Boys, this is a parable. A parable is when a Boy or simple man cannot understand something rather simple and must instead listen to a story simply told which demonstrates a lesson or moral using the tools of plot and characterization and other literary devices. You might remember Janet. She once lived with us. She had all her ears pressed to all the doors. Sometimes a simple man would walk by one of her ears. These simple men would say Janet: lend me an ear, please. They would say Janet: what is being said behind the doors? But Janet never said a thing in reply. She had all her ears pressed to all the doors, it is true, and she had so many ears and so many doors. But she didn’t have a mouth. These simple men would become irate when Janet didn’t tell them what was behind the door at which they then stood, the simple man and the ear of Janet’s. Most of us are simple. We know this, Boys, yes? Remember that we are simple and avoid the fate of these simple men. Some of these simple men walked away, others lingered. Of those that lingered, some asked again and again and became more and more irate that they did not know what was behind the door at which they then stood. Eventually, one of these simple men took matters into his own hands. That was the end of Janet, and why most of us Boys go to Hell. We can thank the original simple man for this. That’s all it took. So now you know why we don’t press our ears to doors, Boys. Besides, it is just not polite.

WASH HANDS, FREQUENTLY
Recent scientific studies have suggested that it is the friction generated by rubbing together hands which so successfully thwarts germs and bacteria, as there seems little difference between the use of cold or hot water in this battle. We find ourselves rubbing hands together quite often, don’t we, Boys? Usually, however, in executing a menacing gesture. We understand why you rub your hands together in the bathroom, not so much in the sink as before the mirror, reminding yourself of the plan to begin a food fight at dinner. We too were once Boys. Some of us still are. You Boys never rub your hands together menacingly for any other reason, it seems. You Boys never have any other plan than a plan to begin a food fight at dinner. We blame the movies we screened when you were young. In many of them, Steve Guttenberg encourages boys to be Boys, and by this he means that food fights are a rite of passage deserved by all Boys, among other decadent vices. Steve Guttenberg has been a very bad influence. Whatever happened to Steve Guttenberg, Boys? He is in so very few movies, these days. Steve Guttenberg needs to read this guide even more than you Boys need to read this guide. Take it from us, simple men and Boys who are not Steve Guttenberg, when we remind you to wash hands, frequently. If you continue to ignore this advice, well, you will continue to become afflicted by pink eye. Gross, I think we can all agree.

WEAR TIES WHENEVER POSSIBLE
We Boys and simple men must disguise our simplicity from those who can hardly hope to ever become as Boyish or Simple as us. In terms of intelligence and complexity of thought, we have what is known as a competitive disadvantage. Boys, recall the roster construction of the 2017-2018 Cleveland Cavaliers as they faced the Golden State Warriors in the NBA Finals. This Cleveland Cavaliers team included LeBron James, it is true. The most sophisticated analytical model ever devised suggests that LeBron James has contributed more to the playoff success of each of his teams than Michael Jordan did, and that LeBron James’s longevity might even surpass the longevity of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, when all is said and done. Much of this is calculated through win shares, although all Boys of a certain age obviously know this. This is all to say that LeBron James might very well be the greatest basketball player of all time. A linebacker with the grace of a ballerina. And yet, the 2017-2018 Cleveland Cavaliers had no chance to beat the 2017-2018 Golden State Warriors over a four game series in the NBA Finals. Not really. Not even a chance in the Hell promised to all us Boys, one day. Not with Jordan Clarkson taking long pull-up two after long pull-up two, and Kevin Love’s inability to switch on defense off of the pick and roll, and J.R. Smith’s existence as J.R. Smith. Well, when it comes to projecting competence, we Boys and simple men are in a similar position. We are dunderheads, to put it mildly. So, we must wear ties whenever possible. This is why we wear ties to recess, and ties to the Steve Gutenberg-less movies we screen in our theater, and ties to dinner. It would feel very silly to begin a food fight at dinner while wearing a tie, isn’t that right, Boys? The tie calls attention to and accentuates your necks. It turns your heads into the dots of so many exclamation marks. The ties hang from your necks not unlike how ornaments hang from Christmas trees. Whereas ornaments hang from Christmas trees to remind us all that it is Christmas, ties hang from your necks to remind us all that we are simple men, true, but that we are capable of being serious men too. Fake it until you make it, Boys, with the help of ties.

WEAR SHOES WITH TASSELS WHENEVER POSSIBLE
The same logic as why we must wear ties whenever possible, except with tasseled shoes.

SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG STICK
Speak softly and carry a big stick, Boys, United States President Theodore Roosevelt once said. This is known as his Big Stick Ideology. United States President Theodore Roosevelt said this, and not only was he President of the United States, but he was also a Boy and a simple man at the same time. He liked football and nature and imperialism. So, take it from him, not us. We understand that you are full of aggression, and that you are full of bluster, and that you are full of deviousness. We too are Boys, or we were once Boys before we became simple men. So, actually, take it from both him and us. The him being United States President Theodore Roosevelt, in case you have forgotten. We Boys have such bad attention spans. Even still, we are pleased by the progress you have made on this lesson. These days, during recess, some of you wear ties and some of you are in the process of cleaning your ties in the laundry following the latest food fight, but all of you speak softly and carry a big stick. You skulk around the yard with the biggest sticks you could find, whispering to one another. What you whisper no one knows. Not even the Boys at whom you whisper can make out the words. It is no matter, in any case. For, eventually, one of you Boys whispers something unintelligible which upsets another one of you Boys. And, whether it is the whisperer or the Boy being whispered at, one of you Boys will hit one of you Boys over the head with your stick. Then one of you Boys hits one of you Boys over the head with your stick. Sooner or later all of you Boys come to the yard, whispering vile and unhearable things in all your non-eavesdropping ears while hitting each other over the head with sticks. None of you Boys yell during these times. You are as quiet as mice. As quiet as the mice that live amongst you in the dorms, scurrying about doing God knows what in the dead of night. We are so very proud of your progress.

TAKE YOUR MEDICINE
Boys, you get sick, often. You get sick each and every time you fail to wash your hands, developing pink eye. You get sick each and every time the cedar trees lose their leaves and each and every time the cedar trees regain their leaves. You get sick during all four seasons: Football season and Basketball season and Soccer season and Baseball season. But, Boys, you never take your medicine! You Boys are so resistant to taking your medicine! Girls have no such qualms. Girls get sick and take their medicine, because their medicine is prescribed by a medical professional. Even when these medical professionals are simple men, they are simple men trained to do a very particular thing, and that thing is prescribe medicine. Simple men die much more frequently than women from preventable causes. Do not follow in our footsteps. When you are sick, you Boys feel bad. When you feel bad, you Boys no longer wish to be alive. Well, take your medicine and you will not feel bad. You will once again regain the will to live. Follow in our footsteps. We might be simple men, but we have learned all the lessons. We don’t eavesdrop and we wash hands frequently and we wear ties and tasseled shoes whenever possible, we speak softly and carry big sticks, and we take our medicine. In these ways, we are maximizing our lifespans. Not bad, for a bunch of Boys and simple men.

TAKE YOUR MEDICINE (METAPHOR)
Boys, taking your medicine is also a metaphor. A metaphor is when a Boy or simple man cannot understand something rather simple and must instead think about something completely different which nonetheless speaks to the essence of the simple thing not yet understood. For instance, Theodore Roosevelt said Speak softly, Boys, and carry a big stick because he was thinking metaphorically about his ideal approach to foreign policy. You Boys have taken the directive literally, and this is progress. You are beginning to understand. So, we allow you to continue whispering at one another and hitting each other over the head with the biggest of all of the yard’s sticks, so long as you Boys are wearing your ties, unstained by a dinner food fight. We want you to take your medicine when you are sick, but we also want you to take your medicine metaphorically speaking. When we say, Boys, take your medicine, we are asking you Boys to take your medicine, as in swallowing or injecting whatever has been prescribed by a medical professional, but we are also asking, simultaneously, for you Boys to take your medicine, as in doing an un-fun thing because it is an important thing to be done which will eventually facilitate many instances and possibilities of fun things you may do. For instance, when you are sick and don’t take your medicine, you cannot come out and play at recess, and so you cannot join the Boys whispering and hitting each other over the heads with big sticks. Were you to take your medicine, you would be taking your medicine. Do you get this? Do you get this, Boys? We understand this is a complex concept. Take all the time you need in re-reading this passage before moving on to the next section in your copy of A Guide for Boys (Ages 6+).

KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF
Unless, of course, your unwashed hands are rubbing your unslept eyes. This is how you get pink eye, Boys! Avoid our pitfalls. We have created this guide so that future generations of Boys might avoid falling into the pits from which many of us have only recently emerged. Our most desperate hope is that you begin to make the sorts of mistakes Girls make, the sorts of mistakes we could have never possibly made before this very moment because we were too busy making even simpler mistakes. It has to do with human culture and misogyny. All of us simple men and Boys have had pink eye, but this need no longer be the case. All of us simple men and Boys feel tremendous shame, now, that we once had pink eye. Those among us who have had pink eye more than once? Well, we keep this to ourselves. Just like our hands, we keep our shame to ourselves. Remember this, Boys. Keep your hands and your shame to yourselves. Unless, of course, you are in therapy. Therapy is very healthy, for Boys and simple men especially. In such a context, it is perfectly fine to express your shame through language and tears, and perfectly fine to express your gratitude through a warm embrace. The exception proves the rule, however. There are rules and there are exceptions, and there are Boys who can’t tell the difference.

WALK, DON’T RUN
This just might be the most important advice of all the important advice we are capable of giving. There are two components to this advice. On one hand, walk. While that hand is grasping the concept of walking, on the other hand don’t run. Are you holding each idea in each hand, Boys? Show us your hands. Show us what is in your hands. Good. Great. Thanks, Boys, for following our instructions. It means so much, really. We were once Boys who did not wish to follow instructions, so we understand. We really do. As you hold each idea in each hand, think of each independently.

WALK
We rush through life, Boys, because we are eager to get what we don’t yet have. Even when we get some of these things, we do not stop and walk and think, Boy, I am a mere Boy or simple man, but now I have this thing I wanted but didn’t have. No, instead we run and think, Boy, I really want that thing I don’t have. That thing over there. And that thing over there. I have neither of those things and I want both of them. Then, I will feel okay. It has to do with the human condition, Boys, but don’t worry about any of that. Instead, worry about walking. By walking, we might stop and appreciate the majesty of nature. Or we might stop and appreciate the antipathy of nature. Or we might stop and appreciate the brutality of nature. But, without walking, we cannot appreciate anything at all about nature. We Boys and simple men run too quickly to appreciate much of anything. We are all heading towards the same destination, Boys. We have each been purchased a one-way ticket, and there is no refund. None of us purchased this ticket for ourselves, of course, and yet we all hold a different ticket to the same destination with different itinerary. It doesn’t matter, Boys, if you never intended on making use of the ticket, or if you’d like a ticket elsewhere. We are all on the same path, and that path sends us to our maker. This is yet another metaphor, Boys, because neither Boys nor Girls were made by a conscious entity. So, while we are here, while it is possible to maximize pleasure and minimize suffering, remember to stop rushing through life. Walk, Boys. Please walk.

DON’T RUN
Don’t run, Boys, because there are open doors everywhere. There are so many doors and so many of them are open. This is a blessing and a curse. This is a blessing because you may walk in this or that door, and, if you do not like what you see, you can walk out of that door and find another door. This is your privilege. Many Boys in other parts of the world do not have this opportunity. Cherish your ability to walk into any of the open doors you come across. Girls are so very far ahead of Boys that they do not need a guide such as this. Girls are perceptive. Girls intuit all sorts of things. And yet, even the most competent of Girls cannot just walk through just any open door. If a Girl has all the money in the world, well, then she sure can walk into just about any door, open or not, but a Boy with hardly any money in any part of the world can walk through about as many doors as a Girl with a lot of money. A Girl with all the money in the world is just as bad and worthy of suspicion as any of us Boys, do not get us wrong. It has to do with human nature and human selfishness, Boys, but do not worry about any of that. Instead, worry about how if you are running, you will miss all of the open doors. Worse still, you will run into countless doors. Rather than simply miss the open doors, you will turn many opportunities into a few painful experiences. This is a metaphor, Boys. Remember Janet. Remember Steve Guttenberg. Remember what happened because Janet was a woman and Steve Guttenberg said boys will be Boys. The doors must remain open because Janet is no longer around to listen with all her ears pressed to all the doors, and simple men will not stand for this, no, they will not stand before each and every closed door, trying to make out what is being said on the other side. Don’t run, Boys. If you run, Janet’s sacrifice has been in vain.

Samuel Rafael Barber is the author of the chapbook Thousands of Shredded Scraps of Paper Located across Five Landfills, That if Pieced Together Form a Message (The Cupboard 2019). He has degrees from Brown, Arizona, and Columbia, and is a PhD candidate at the University of Denver. His fiction has appeared in Chicago Quarterly Review, DIAGRAM, Green Mountains Review, Puerto del Sol, The Rupture, Southwest Review, and elsewhere. According to life expectancy tables, he will live another 55.1 years.